Bikini'd Damsels

I still vividly remember fighting with my father over a tankini when I was in 6th grade. It was the weekend before our class pool party, and anyone who was anyone was going to be showing their midriff—some girls even had bikinis (the scandal!). So it was of the utmost importance I AT LEAST had a tankini, but Papa Megan didn't like the idea of his little girl being anything but "covered up."

It's a bad sign when this memory was sparked by a bikini from Free People:

My father would like the direction this is going in, but I'm...befuddled. It's a bikini top, so you're obviously going to be showing a lot of skin. But Free People draws the line at collar bone/cleave? And who wants this tan line, anyway? I could go running and have more of my neckline exposed in a sports bra than in this swimsuit.

Unless this is some kind of marketing genius where Free People realizes this is where most women burn the easiest, so this is what you wear after your chest has turned lobster-red. It's perfect, actually—you hide your lobster cleave while it calms down and wear this shiny flesh colored fabric swatch over it. MISDIRECTION, DAMSELS.

Okay, never mind, best swimsuit ever!