Damsels Shocked Senseless

Something happened today, Damsels. Something completely shocking. Something I never thought possible. I, a proud English major, saw something beyond words. Something that literally made me speechless. And, not the dramatic, I'm saying I'm speechless for emphasis kind of speechless. I mean, gaping mouth, bugged-out eyes, catch-your-breath speechless.

Now that I've said "speechless" at least five times, I'm hoping you get the point. Because there are genuinely no words that can describe what I am about to show you in an apt manner. Words simply can't divulge the kind of horror this image possesses.

The nights of insomnia I'm about to incur by seeing this image again, in order to impart its devastation unto you, are worth it. Because, in this case, seeing is believing. I must warn you, what you are about to see is graphic in nature.

Via asos.com

It is true. What you are seeing is some sort of blue, transparent crocheted maxi-length terror designed to evoke extreme depression and pain. There seems to be a sort of draped, ribbon-esque tail trailing off at the bottom, inexplicably. Unseemly parts of the female body have been covered, rather shabbily, by larger, ribboned crochet job in a haphazard, devil-may-care sort of way.

But no, we're not finished, I'm afraid.

Via asos.com

Its heinous crimes continue on the back. A dreadlock-type ribbon seems to be hanging limply off of her elbow. The larger crochet appears to only partially hide a lady's unseemly bits, and it has been styled with patent-leather combat boots.

Please hold while I burn my eyes off.